Twitter Favorites

I’m a twit, I’ll admit it. Most tweets that come across my desktop are boring, industry-related or the typical narcissistic shout-out.

Few have the ability to tickle and delight. Some are profane. Some are insensitive and controversial. Some are just plain stupid. These are the ones that get flagged as my favorite.

• 

  jonathaneunice: Everyone bitches about Comic Sans, but it could be worse.

  I’m loooking at you, Mistral.

  Wed Jul 29 10:56:40 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  johnnyQ11: Who’s the nigga in the club with the cardigan

  Sat Jul 4 00:01:57 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  thisisconlan: @johnnyQ11 That’s me.

  Sat Jul 4 00:04:34 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  muchty: Haiku for the cab ride to JFK
  Wet fart on pleather
  Shuffling buttocks awkwardly
  Driver won’t notice

  Tue Jun 9 03:56:20 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  muchty: Good night Twitter. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

  Mon Jun 8 19:20:33 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  muchty: Need someone to notarise a ‘Please destroy my frozen semen’ letter.

  First reply gets a free Popsicle.

  Mon Jun 8 14:21:35 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  Anzula: Guess what I just learned. Wait, you don’t want to know.

  Thu May 14 18:40:58 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  thisisconlan: “Advice to ladies: if you don’t want me to look down your shirt, stop having awesome boobs.” (RT @michaelianblack)

  Fri May 8 13:14:17 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  mnik: No I don’t want any fucking Purell. For fuck’s sake, what has gotten into people? (via @jenbee)

  Sat May 2 16:56:27 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  luckyshirt: Name something that nacho cheese does NOT taste good on.

  I say: “shorts”.

  …

  Update: the answer is: “nothing”

  Tue Apr 28 17:33:35 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  thisisconlan: I didn’t know what you meant when you implied I couldn’t take a hint.

  Tue Mar 10 16:42:37 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  girlmonkey: The economy is FAILING. There, I said it. And I’m looking at YOU, Michael Phelps. Pothead.

  Fri Feb 6 09:20:39 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  SonicFoundation: Dammit. I’m batting dick again. WTF??

  Fri Feb 6 06:52:58 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  SonicFoundation: Omg. iPhone typo spectacular! I’m getting SICK again. LOL.

  Fri Feb 6 06:54:02 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  SonicFoundation: Great way to start the day: massive mucus and tremendous typo.

  Fri Feb 6 07:07:02 2009 » View Tweet

• 

  girlmonkey: Whaaaaat is it callllllled when a perrrrrsonn tallllks like thissss? Besides fucking annoying as shit, I mean? PATRONIZING! exfuckingzactly.

  Thu Dec 11 16:09:33 2008 » View Tweet

• 

  girlmonkey: CW can look at pastry sites all she wants, but I try to do one lousy search for “nipple pasties with bells” & I get IT all up in my bidnez.

  Fri Dec 5 09:00:48 2008 » View Tweet

• 

  thisisconlan: If a deaf person falls in the forest, does he really?

  Wed Nov 26 17:26:07 2008 » View Tweet

• 

  girlmonkey: Dear Land’s End: Just got your Holiday Shopping Catalog. Fuck you.

  Tue Oct 21 20:53:30 2008 » View Tweet

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  thisisconlan: I think as a society we should change the term “handicapped” to “handi-dandy”. I feel it would be better for all concerned.

  Fri Oct 17 12:20:55 2008 » View Tweet

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  girlmonkey: Superpower desires, in order: 1) To fly. 2) Invisibility. 3) The power to make others go to the bathroom for me.

  Tue Oct 7 10:51:51 2008 » View Tweet

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  girlmonkey: So like,right in the middle of the debate, BAM! Palin explodes because I made her have to pee for me.Take that for overusing Maverick, bitch!

  Tue Oct 7 10:53:58 2008 » View Tweet

• 

  thisisconlan: I’m thinking about legally changing my name to Up Yours. That would be a good time. Especially when ordering drinks at Starbucks.

  Thu Oct 2 13:14:40 2008 » View Tweet

And there you have it: my favorite tweets, lovingly preserved for all posterity.

What’s your favorite tweet?